wider and wider

     I don’t want to waste any more time scrambling for applause (especially my own). I want to enjoy being me. 

     I don’t want to be closed and cramped. I want to open wider and wider with each passing hour.

     I’ve been practicing.

     Each early June morning, I bring one magnolia blossom inside. I enjoy it all day. I enjoy everything about it – the fragrance and the softness and the white and the wonder of its opening wider and wider with each passing hour.

     I never say it’s not enough.

     It is God’s handiwork.

     So am I.

     Thank You.

“Each of us is God’s handiwork. . . .” Ephesians 2:10

"A rabbi named Zusha died and went to stand before the judgment seat of God. As he waited for God to appear, he grew nervous. He began to imagine that God was going to ask him, 'Why weren’t you Moses or why weren’t you Solomon or why weren’t you David?' But when God appeared, the rabbi was surprised. God simply asked him, 'Why weren’t you Zusha?'" an Hasidic story

a kinder voice

     Inwardly, I have been racing for a long, long time.

     I have listened to the voice inside that says things like ‘you should be doing it better’ and ‘you should be doing something else right now’ and ‘look at what So-and-So has done.’ When I pay attention to this voice, I feel stretched and worn, tense and torn. I feel guilty about doing the things that make my heart sing, because there is always a long list of shoulds. Rest is an as-soon-as thing -- always just around the next corner.

     Lately, I have started listening to another voice inside. It is a kinder voice. It says things like ‘relax and enjoy this conversation’ and ‘that’s enough work for now’ and ‘it’s okay to just be where your feet are.’ When I pay attention to this voice, the anxious thoughts roll off like water off a duck’s back. I can rest (even when I’m working hard), which lets the people around me rest, too.

     I’m learning to be at home right-now (which is really the only place one can be at home).

“Love others as you love yourself.” Galatians 5:14

finding Ollie

     Ollie is scared of storms. Yesterday he got so scared that he ran out of his yard and across a busy street. A kind man found him and petted him and told him it would be okay. He said, ‘Don’t worry, boy. I will help you find your home.’

     Ollie’s parents were scared, too. They couldn’t find him. They looked and looked, but there was no sign of him. Then they got an email saying that somebody had found a dog, and the email had a picture of Ollie. They said, ‘Thank heavens for kind neighbors.’

     Ollie is home now. He isn’t scared any more, and neither are his parents. They are happy now. The man who found Ollie is happy, too.

     That is good news.

     It is a reminder, in this bad-news world, that good things (like love and joy and kindness) are still growing all around you. 

“God brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard – things like love and joy and . . . kindness. . . .” Galatians 5:22

toward becoming whole

     For a long time, I couldn’t see a lot of my frailties and failures. I wasn’t hiding them. I just couldn’t see them. I couldn’t afford to.

     Lately they’ve been coming out of hiding. Little by little, things that have crouched and shivered inside me for a long time are coming out into the light.

     I can bear them now. I can welcome them gently because my friends see them, too, and they welcome them gently.

     I laugh a lot more now. I can afford to.

“Expose my shame where it shivers, / crouched behind the curtain of propriety, / until I can laugh at last / through my common frailties and failures, / laugh my way toward becoming whole.” Ted Loder

“I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.” John 16:12 

treasuring

     I have a friend who practices treasuring other people. It isn’t just some vague notion that he should treasure other people; it’s a solid, rubber-meets-the-road practice of treasuring them.

     He practices it every day with every person he meets. He looks for what is good and whole and unique and beautiful (which doesn’t give him much time for other things, like envy and indifference). He stores up all the treasuring, and then at night (or the next morning) he visits each person again – enjoying her and saying thank-you for her and asking God to bless her.

     I have a hunch that this practice of treasuring who other people are frees him, little by little, to treasure who he is -- and that in itself is treasure untold.

“Humility is the willingness to be who I am.” Steve Macchia

“[I]n humility, value others. . . .” Philippians 2:3

one very important thing

     When I see myself through my own eyes, I see a lot of not-enough. I compare myself to other people, and I see all the ways I don’t measure up. Then (depending on my energy level) either I get discouraged or I roll up my sleeves and try harder. That’s the best I can do on my own.

     But I’m learning one very important thing: I’m not on my own. There are people who love me, and because they love me they see in me what I can’t see in myself.

     Sometimes they tell me what they see. I have a hard time believing them (because I’m so used to not-enough), but lately I’ve been wondering – what if they’re right?

     When I wonder that, it’s hard not to dance.

“She sees [in him] what we cannot see, because she loves him.” Elizabeth von Arnim, Enchanted April

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone.’” Genesis 2:18